CONFESSION

“ I couldn’t sleep ,” that was I told you this morning through the phone.
“ me also, I woke up early this morning and need a medicine to make me sleep during the night,” you said .
“ when will you return to Simelue ? I need to talk with you, “
“ why don’t you talk to me now, through the phone ? “
I was silent and couldn’t say anything.
“ Please tell me, I am worried about you,”
I keep silent and then hang up the phone.
You tried to call me back but I don’t have any courage to answer .
“ if you don’t tell me I will not meet you until you don’t say it. Please tell me, otherwise I will not even call you, I told you. That’s it. From now on. No talks, no meeting if you don’t say”
I fall silent upon reading your sms.
“ what do you mean that since last night we are friend . I mean nothing for you after what we have been through ? and what you’ve said just a bullshit ? you lie to me and cheated me ,”
My message was sent.
“ I never lie to you but please understand. You want me more than just friend and I want more from you. You have some limits and I also have limits. You are not free and I am also not free for some reasons. We love each other but there is no future to be together. I love you, but I can’t promise you marriage and don’t want to lie to you that I will marry you. And I don’t want you to miss your chance. Why should I keep you in hope and cheat you to get something from you and leave you at the end. I don’t like and don’t want to cheat someone. I can’t marry you and its lie if I give you hope, “
“ You lie to me, you just love after my body ,” I cried
“ I don’t want your body. Please understand me. As I said my life is complicated, I hate it but I should continue. I don’t want the situation that we are too close and then I leave you and you will suffer after. Just keep this limit when we are separated then we don’t miss each other too much. I love you, but there is no future. I wish you to make your life, It’s not possible with me. Why you should waste your time with me “
“ If you love me why don’t you fight instead give up ?
“ My dear, I said to you I have limitation. I don’t want to keep you in hope and lie to you and I do nothing at the end. I don’t want to do more with you to get something from you. I want you to be happy when I leave you. If you are a very free girl I didn’t mind. But you are so nice and with good family and reputation, how can I do wrong with you and leave you after. That’s why I don’t keep you in hope. I was thinking at the beginning you can do everything but when I understood you are different, I stop to try more with you as I don’t want to harm you and leave you after. I don’t want you to miss me when I leave but you will remain in my heart always. I will keep support you and take care of you,”

I drop into chair and cry on. This is the feeling of wanting something that you can't have...